And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start
Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out
I never thought that I would start one of my texts with a quote of Coldplay. But well, the hardest part is saying „Goodbye!“ And unfortunately, I had to say Goodbye too many times in the last few months.
Starting in August, I had to say Goodbye to the best job I’ve ever had. I spent two years with people I care about and I was able to call it work: I got paid for watching things I’m interested in, for doing research to find incredible people and topics and being part of an amazing group of people. Well, that’s a job!
And then, I had to say Goodbye to people. To so many different people. My roommates, my friends in Erfurt, in Berlin, to my Mom and Dad – but of course, I was sure to see them again. I was going to be in Korea not even for half a year! For Buddha’s sake – what’s the big deal?
Well, the big deal was about to come. You’re going abroad and spend four month introducing yourself to all kinds of people. You open up and you promise to catch them if they fall. You spend so many hours laughing, chatting and getting to know each other that you just CANNOT believe, that the Goodbye you’re gonna say to them will have to last longer than you want.
It’s been almost two month since I left Seoul, so I can for sure say: FRIENDS, I MISS YOU!
I miss having Joann around in the seventh floor of my dorm.
I miss hearing Connor talk about his weekend in KLI on a monday morning and Katie laughing about him. I miss Aoife and me craving Sulbing and quoting FRIENDS. I miss my crazy dances with Alice, my (very bad) Korean-English writings with Hong and Jeongho, I missed being called „Mom“ by Camille so much and I miss going out for dinner with each and every on of them. And the worst part is, I don’t know when I will see any of them again. Or if.
Of course, being back home is a good thing. I can finally concentrate on writing my thesis. I’m super glad to be back home with my roomies, my friends, my family and my boyfriend. But even though I am so done with Goodbyes, they keep coming. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. How about a little „Hello again“ once in a while?
Visiting my family in Hanoi after four month in Korea was a good idea. Maybe even the best idea of all! It was the first time for me in Hanoi all by myself. It was the first time in Vietnam without my mother. But still, or even more, I spend so much quality time with my aunts and cousins – just them and me! I loved it!
Some of you might know: Growing up in a different country apart from the rest of your family makes you grow apart from them. Sometimes I feel like I know nothing about them. About their lives, their thoughts, their dreams, their culture even. But being in Hanoi always makes me feel closer. Even though two cultures collide and my Vietnamese never feels good enough, I really enjoy spending time with my aunts, uncles, cousins and nephews. Even though those summers in Hanoi have always been emotional and I’ve always been arguing with them – those arguments also brought us so much closer. And the more time I spend with them the more I know about them (duh), the more they open up, the more they get used to me being around. But then, again – I had to say goodbye. Short before lunar’s new year’s eve came around I had to pack my bags and leave for Germany. Again, not knowing when I could meet them again. (Sorry if I repeat myself for the hundredth time but I simply hate saying goodbye.
And if you think: But you’re back in Germany now, so that had to be the end of goodbyes, right? Well, you’re WRONG.
I just got back to Erfurt and had to say goodbye to my roommate Filip only a week later. He moved to Cologne – that’s at least an four hour drive from here. And yes, of course, I am so happy for him (and his girlfriend) and I wish him the best. But my inner child was like:
HELL NO! Don’t you dare pack your stuff and drive away!
Also, I had to hug my Korean friend Kyungbeen, because she left Germany this week. Tanja went to India for five month and Raffi is packing his stuff after he stayed here for the last few weeks and became a (very funny) part of our flat. Last but not least: my other roomie Chrissi is leaving next month. I mean, am I cursed or what?
Oh leave fast or stay forever
An old man told me to leave fast or stay forever
Leave fast or stay forever
Everything in changing. We have to leave people behind, people are moving, friendships change, end and new ones begin. And what might sound slightly exaggerating in some of your ears is apparently just how life flows. But I have to admit – and I am 26 years old – I am never ready for goodbyes nor to become a (real) adult. I am not ready to decide the topic of my master thesis – nor what city I want to live in, or the job I want to do for the next years.
It’s the first evening I’m spending home alone and there I am, sitting on my kitchen floor and thinking: Why did nobody tell us that this is so freaking exhausting? I find myself looking back at all the cities I’ve lived in and the many many people I met. It was good and bad. It was exciting, boring, too loud, too fast. It was all of it.
But right now, this was good. I like living in Erfurt, having my kind of people around, I like how things are, but they’re changing (everyone knows that!). And I’m sure other good things will come, but unfortunately, I can’t help but admit that I’m tired. Tired of making new friends, moving to new cities and tired of simply making new conversations about who I am and who I want to be. I’m tired of saying goodbye to very very good things, people and places in my life.
But what do I want to say? Will I stop making new friends? Will I stop moving? Will I stop chasing some utopia version of my life? Of course not. Life is bittersweet. So maybe I just want to say: I hope some „Hello again“s are soon to come.